Sunday, October 26, 2014

Depression. How I survived.


Wow I have been missing for a while, haven't I? In this post I'd just like to express my gratitude.


I realize now that I have been blessed with good things in life. About a year and a half ago, I was in a state of depression. However, I was in total denial. I never knew what depression really was therefore I didn't realize that I was drowning in it. Depression is a thing. A very serious thing. You tell yourself that everything's okay, you pretend to be happy, you avoid listening to sad songs because you thought happy songs can lighten your mood when after a while those happy songs you put on repeat makes you sick and you start hating them. You begin listening to slow heart-to-heart songs because you feel like you can relate to the lyrics and they kind of make you feel better but after a while, those songs make you sick too. You start questioning, what is the point of life? What's my role in the world? You become extremely insecure that you avoid meeting your friends. You feel very, very lonely. You feel distant from your loved ones. You feel like you don't have enough time for them and for yourself but when you do, you can't truly enjoy it and behind that smile hides a small voice crying for help saying "I wish I can share with you how sad I've been but I don't wan't to spoil this moment right now; probably you won't understand anyways". You cry

This went on for almost a year.

I slowly dug myself out of the misery and alhamdulillah, I survived. I knew it was the end of it one fine night when I had just finished my Isha' prayers and I felt calm and at peace. All the things that was going right in my life ran through my mind and I started to cry. How was I so blind to not see all the things that I have in my life, good or bad. I realized that I have so many things to be grateful for. All I needed to do was to look back on all that I have in life or those that I don't have but I have had the pleasure to experience or be close to, and appreciate every little thing.

As a practice, I listed down some of the things that I appreciate:

  1. My parents
  2. Other people's beautiful voice (I don't have one)
  3. Delicious food
  4. Quality time with close friends
  5. Restaurants that provide wrapped drinking straws
  6. Being appreciated
  7. Every minute of a vacation/ road trip
  8. Detailed art work
  9. My own time of peace and serenity
  10. A good sleep
  11. Good movies (I like cricital, heavy, twisted movies with unpredictable endings)
  12. Good manners
  13. Intelligent debates
  14. Deep, comfortable conversations
  15. Being loved by an animal
  16. My room
  17. Past, present and future relationships
  18. Being born a Muslim
And the list goes on and forever will. I recommend that you do this too. In the long term, it'll make you a happier person. Trust me. 

I hope that this post have been helpful especially to those who are feeling down. It's okay to admit that you are under depression. Sometimes you don't realize that life isn't that bad; you just have to acknowledge that. 

Until next time, thanks for reading. xoxo.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Eid comes again!

Assalamualaikum and happy Eid mubarak!

Wow, today marks the first anniversary of this blog! It still feels brand new. I actually started blogging since I was 16 which was 7 years ago and I used the very same URL which is but somehow I accidentally deleted the blog and I kind of gave up blogging for I was too sad that I deleted the blog by accident haha. It was until last year that I started blogging again using the same URL and this time my posts are so much different from before. Previously I liked to blog about almost everything! I remember the very first post was about me lounging on a sofa, sipping on a cup of hot milo and the fan was on number 5. Haha. Now, I like to talk about cooking recipes and major highlights of my life. I'll try to post more frequently as I do believe it helps to enhance my writing skills and also, I do hope to write more on big, general but important, issues. Things that matter, things that I am most concerned about, things that get on my nerves. It's better to let it out in long-written forms and reason out on its logics rather than just tweeting or reposting them on Tumblr, don't you agree? So inshaAllah I'll do that. 

I am also happy that it's already Eid again! Selamat hari raya Aidilfitri! This is my 23rd hari raya and it still gives me joy. However, no matter how happy I am, I should remember that I can't forever be a child. I should act like a lady now. Who knows next year or the year after I'll be spending my raya with the future in-laws? (nervously laughing  -__- ). Therefore ladies, on raya, be as happy as a child but remain poise and graceful like a real lady. 

My sisters and I on raya

Not so lady-like here  -_-

Also, I am excited to share with you that I have been offered a new job at a new place! Alhamdulillah. I'll start right after this raya holiday. Hopefully this new opportunity will give me new experiences and knowledge. So excited to be learning new things and I'll try my best to be a good employee. Do pray for my career journey and I'll pray that we will all have a wonderful and exciting life adventures ahead. Amin.

P/s: In the midst of raya happiness, please never forget those who are celebrating Eid in Palestine. Don't cry over them as it ruins the purpose of Eid which is to be joyful and happy. But also, do not celebrate too excessively. Our brothers and sisters in Palestine lose their children one by one a whole month long. Yet when Syawal comes, they raise their hands and thank Allah for the wonderful day of Eid. How pure are their hearts?

Thanks for reading! 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The story of Iblis

When Allah (swt) created Adam (a.s), before He bestowed a soul into the lifeless clay figure of a human being, He ordered all of His other creations - the angels, the jinns and others that only Allah knows, to bow down to Adam as a form of respect. And so they did; except Iblis. He refused Allah's order in the face of Allah Himself. When Allah asked Iblis why, he said that He made him out of fire, something greater than any dirt or clay can be. So Allah cursed Iblis out of His heavens. However, after Allah had cursed Iblis, Iblis raised his hands and made a du'a to Allah. He prayed that Allah would grant him life until the Day of Judgement. And Allah granted his prayers. And more, Iblis promised to corrupt the human race and lead them astray and deceive them in the dunya away from Allah's path, except those who are true and sincere towards worshipping Allah. And Allah approved of this promise. Allah sent Iblis to Earth to live among us to fulfill his promise. And Allah said that those who follow Iblis's voice and turn against Him shall be with Iblis in Hellfire in the afterlife.

There are 2 lessons to be learnt here:

  1. Iblis is the only creature that has ever dared to refuse/disobey Allah's order in the face of Allah Himself, and then had the guts to raise his hands and prayed to Allah right after Allah had cursed him; and yet Allah still granted his du'a. This means, no one is disconnected from Allah. No matter who you are, how big your sins are, Allah will always listen to your prayers. Allah granted Iblis's prayers, the creature that He cursed; how can He not answer yours, the creature that He loves, the ones that He raises higher than the angels?
  2. Iblis/ Shaytaan (Satan) promised to deceive us, to lead us away from the path of righteousness, to make us their enemy. So this is what they will do until the end of time and they will never give up. Always remember this is what they are and always will be - our enemy. Never take them as anything else.

Like myself, I hope this story would elevate your faith in constantly making du'a to Allah (swt). Like, whatever you have in mind, just ask Him. Pray. When I was a little girl I loved 'talking' to Allah in my prayers and I always had something to ask from him, one request after another. But as I grow older I find that I tend to make less du'as. Probably ashamed of the sins that I have committed and I know that He is always aware of them. I've heard of ancient stories like this one when I was younger. But when they come back to me now, it's as if Allah is giving me a hint. Like, yes you know this story already, but learn it again. This time, I feel like He's telling me to start 'talking' to Him again.

Anyway, Ramadhan Mubarak! Thanks for reading. xoxo.

Friday, May 16, 2014

There, there. Just hold on tight.

Sometimes I wonder, what does God want me to do? What does He want to happen to me? Because it's all very confusing right now. At this point, I really don't know. But I believe in one thing and nothing can shake or break that belief of mine - that He exists and He controls everything. So if that's so, He must know what's up and why are things happening the way it is. I wonder though, if He has so many things to care for that the life of a petty little human being like me worth little or no attention. I hope this is where I'm wrong.

Then I remember a preach by Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan, he said that each of us walk very different and unique paths in our lives and Allah knows that because He made you walk that path and do what you do. It is He that made you as unique as yourself because He has his own unique reasons for each of us. He also said that it is when our faith in Allah starts fading away that we start losing grip of our imaan. You know how you start losing faith in Allah? When you're so stressed out, so depressed, that you feel that Allah is not sending out any help, giving no attention to you, and you question, "where is God when I need Him? If He's there He must be able to see me, see that I'm suffering. Why would He let me suffer?"

You see, this is how Allah works. He loves us so He tests us but not beyond our limits. He knows how far we can go so He pushes us to the very brim until we go back to seek out for Him - for His light, His love, His mercy. "Allah specifically creates a very unique and one-of-a-kind obstacle or hardship for each and every one of us, not one is the same." That's how special we are. And to say that Allah doesn't give a hoot about you, is selfish. He created you and your life. How can He not know what's going on?

When we're upset with life, we tend to blame Him for taking away our belongings or for not being fair with us or for not giving us what we need. That's us, humans. It really kicked me in the face just yesterday when I was really, really upset with life and then I remembered a snippet of Ustaz Nouman's preach video, the part that he said, who are we to be angry at God when He takes away our mom, dad or anyone we love? He created them therefore they're His to begin with. He's only taking back what He borrowed to us. Who are we to demand things from Him and be angry at Him when we did not or have yet to get it? He created all things therefore He knows what's good and what's harmful to us. He has His own mathematical reasons what and what not to give to each and every one of us. We don't own this life, we're only borrowing it from Him. I don't own these fingers, this face, this body. These are all His. I am all His. And someday, He's going to take back everything He owns. Who am I to be this selfish? Who am I to be this arrogant? Astaghfirullah.

I am merely sharing with you what I'm currently feeling - a little depressed at the moment. And this is a way of motivating myself to stop worrying, trust Allah and make the best out of life for Him and for myself. There is a reason why He gave you this life. And if you're not worth being a human being with all the pleasures of having a working mind and a fluent tongue, He might as well made you into a frog.

I hope this helps and thanks for reading. :)


Friday, March 7, 2014

Happy International Women's Day!

As a woman myself, I understand when people say "a woman's heart is a sea of emotions". I understand how broken inside when I see a woman weep for the loss of something or someone precious. I understand how troubled and angry a woman is when she nags. I understand how tired and exhausted a woman is after caring for the house and children, when what people see is her just "sitting at home doing nothing". I understand how confined it feels when a woman has opinions and great ideas but she's afraid that people wouldn't listen because "her voice is too soft".

But that's not all that I understand. I also understand how annoying it is when our 'tudung' does not stay still on our huge heads, when our face becomes annoyingly oily in the afternoon, when our make-up makes our faces look like a birthday cake, when our crush says "hi", when we gossip and be gossiped about, when we have a fight with our best friend, when our period pain strikes. It's a wild roller-coaster ride, being a woman. Only if you're a woman yourself, you'd understand.

Boys, hear me out. As a woman myself, I understand how it feels like being respected by men or anyone at all. I understand how it feels like being appreciated by family members and peers. I understand how special it is when a boy treats me like a princess. I wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off my face for days. In the olden days, they say women were made to live for men. If there is no man for her to live for, she's better off not having her life. Not to be bias here but let's look at this from another perspective; would men be able to survive in this world without the nursing, loving and caring of a woman with all the basic necessities of life that she can provide? So, go tell your mother, wife, sisters, girlfriends how much they mean to you. I promise you they'll appreciate it. We women are corny little beings. ;)

Happy international women’s day!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Hello 2014

Assalamualaikum and hi!

It's been a while and without me realizing, it's already 2014! I would just like to update a number of things. First of all, the reason that I've been busy is that I have a job now, alhamdulillah :) The job is nothing fancy and is very basic-level but I'm grateful that at least I have earned my first income now. And I am grateful that after a long, long time (years) of looking forward to the day that I receive my first paycheck, the day finally came. On that day, I had given a part of my hard earned salary to my parents as a gift and nothing felt better than that particular kind of satisfaction. All praises to Him. :)

Next update, is regarding my physical health. People closest to me would know that I have been suffering from severe period pains every month which have costed my body weight and overall physical health to plummet. Usually when the period pain strikes, it would basically be hell for me. I would be given shots by the doctor, vomit every 10 minutes for a whole day, toss and turn and cry for help, and (just occasionally if not rarely) overdose on painkillers and my family would have to rush me to the hospital. Oh and I have fainted too once. So a couple of months ago I figured that something has to be done to get me fixed. I needed to know what's really happening inside of me. To make the long story short, I went to see a couple of doctors recently and they found that I have a cyst grown inside my womb close to my left ovary. Good news is, it's just a cyst and not a fibroid which is more dangerous and complicated. Bad news is, if after 3 months of consuming the medications prescribed to me and the cyst is still there, I will have to undergo a surgery to remove it.

When I first knew about this, Tuhan saja yang tahu segala rasa dalam hati ni. Scared, blur, anxious, lost; all kinds of mixed feelings. But mostly blur lol.

I know I can't rely only on the medications prescribed by the doctors, I have to find extra ways to help myself. Thus, I'm taking natural health supplements in my diet. I'm a firm believer on natural method of healing especially through a healthy diet. Other than that, tawakkal and redha.

Okay to lighten things up, I have decided that this year, 2014, I will do more of the things that I love which is handcrafts and art. So, I will make more felt art cushions, sew more and express my creativity more through various ways.

I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I really hope that this year would bring more happiness and rezeki in my life. I'm looking forward to all the good things that will cross my path. To those reading this, I wish you a happy new year and I pray that you will meet all your new year's resolutions. Thank you so much for taking your time to read my humble blog.