Sometimes I wonder, what does God want me to do? What does He want to happen to me? Because it's all very confusing right now. At this point, I really don't know. But I believe in one thing and nothing can shake or break that belief of mine - that He exists and He controls everything. So if that's so, He must know what's up and why are things happening the way it is. I wonder though, if He has so many things to care for that the life of a petty little human being like me worth little or no attention. I hope this is where I'm wrong.
Then I remember a preach by Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan, he said that each of us walk very different and unique paths in our lives and Allah knows that because He made you walk that path and do what you do. It is He that made you as unique as yourself because He has his own unique reasons for each of us. He also said that it is when our faith in Allah starts fading away that we start losing grip of our imaan. You know how you start losing faith in Allah? When you're so stressed out, so depressed, that you feel that Allah is not sending out any help, giving no attention to you, and you question, "where is God when I need Him? If He's there He must be able to see me, see that I'm suffering. Why would He let me suffer?"
You see, this is how Allah works. He loves us so He tests us but not beyond our limits. He knows how far we can go so He pushes us to the very brim until we go back to seek out for Him - for His light, His love, His mercy. "Allah specifically creates a very unique and one-of-a-kind obstacle or hardship for each and every one of us, not one is the same." That's how special we are. And to say that Allah doesn't give a hoot about you, is selfish. He created you and your life. How can He not know what's going on?
When we're upset with life, we tend to blame Him for taking away our belongings or for not being fair with us or for not giving us what we need. That's us, humans. It really kicked me in the face just yesterday when I was really, really upset with life and then I remembered a snippet of Ustaz Nouman's preach video, the part that he said, who are we to be angry at God when He takes away our mom, dad or anyone we love? He created them therefore they're His to begin with. He's only taking back what He borrowed to us. Who are we to demand things from Him and be angry at Him when we did not or have yet to get it? He created all things therefore He knows what's good and what's harmful to us. He has His own mathematical reasons what and what not to give to each and every one of us. We don't own this life, we're only borrowing it from Him. I don't own these fingers, this face, this body. These are all His. I am all His. And someday, He's going to take back everything He owns. Who am I to be this selfish? Who am I to be this arrogant? Astaghfirullah.
I am merely sharing with you what I'm currently feeling - a little depressed at the moment. And this is a way of motivating myself to stop worrying, trust Allah and make the best out of life for Him and for myself. There is a reason why He gave you this life. And if you're not worth being a human being with all the pleasures of having a working mind and a fluent tongue, He might as well made you into a frog.
I hope this helps and thanks for reading. :)
XOXO
